In this section I will collect together a number of my most intense ramblings. These could be rants about random items of clothing or the sheer stupidity I see everyday. Either way, this may get deep and go off topic regularly! Hold onto your bloomers! Please click the item title to read the full rambling. Of course, this is not mandatory, so you may chose to ignore this but hey, where's the fun in that!

German Sausage

I recently had the opportunity to go to Berlin for a work event. Alas, I would not have time to explore the city but I was there absorbing the culture nonetheless and I thought I would share a few stories from my time over there. 

First, let's discuss the road etiquette. Now I like to think I am an intelligent chap but I found myself making some very fundamental errors. I found myself looking the wrong way before crossing the roads. Now this would not normally be a problem as you would have a little chuckle to yourself before checking the correct way and then crossing. I, unfortunately, did not do this. I would check to my right and immediately step out into the road where I would be met with the alarming sound of brakes and horns as cars anticipated my craziness. Again, something you would assume I would learn from, you know, being an intelligent chap. I did not. It seemed to happen every time I went to cross the road. I chose very quickly to start using the designated crossings, although, this did not help very much. On first examination it was similar to the UK green man system. As soon as the green man came on, I was off across the road. I was almost across when a car came swooping around the corner directly towards me. I, again, may have soiled myself, I gave him the international sign for "Please Sir, refrain from this activity" by raising my middle finger and completing my crossing of the road. I would point out that the green man (with some sort of hat on) was lit at the time. This continued to happen throughout my trip so I think there must be something I am missing.....or maybe the other drivers are missing the whole red light thing!...I will know for next time. To be fair, I'll probably forget.

The next subject I would like to discuss is German sausage. Now, this may have a lot of you sniggering but I tell you, I am sick of having it thrust into my face! Being a tourist and being at an international conference it was never off the menu. They seemed to want to make you sick of sausage in the quickest fashion possible. I would have it presented to me for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It would come with onion sauce, pickled sauce, some sort of creamy sauce and then chef's special sauce but I avoided that one! It was only on the nights where I was able to get my own meals where I can nip over to the local Subway and struggle to construct a sandwich. I went from getting my order correct to getting it completely wrong and not being able to correct it with my German being limited to counting to 10 and saying hello, goodbye and thank you! Therefore, I was being given no choice but to consume crazy amounts of sausage. Even on the third day of the conference where there was a large event with a christmas theme.....sausage was on the menu. Needless to say, I am not touching another sausage for some time! 

Lastly, my trip home. I am the kind of chap that likes to be prepared. I like to ensure I give myself plenty of time to get to the airport as I am always critical of those who get the special tannoy announcements "Would Mr BlaBla please make his way to gate 10 as his flight is waiting". The kind of announcement where any normal person would be left rather red faced. So yes, I like to get there in plenty of time. I left my Hotel 3 hours before my flight with an hour journey to the airport ahead of me. Half way through my journey I was to change trains onto another line which leads straight to the airport. I disembarked the train and stood on the platform for what seemed like 30 minutes waiting for my next train. It did not arrive. There had been a number of announcements but they were all in German and again my understanding of the language was rather limited. I tried to ask around but everyone seemed to think I was on the right platform. It was not until I was standing there for 45 minutes where someone came up to ask if I was going to the airport. Apparently it had been cancelled on the platform I was standing and the announcements were to go to another platform. A little stressed I went across to the other platform to wait and then another person approached me to tell me that there was a cancellation and it would be another hour before my flight. Needless to say, I began to panic. 

I reached the airport 20 minutes before my flight. The airport has a long walkway from the train station which led to me having to run it to get to the terminal. When I arrived my check in was obviously closed. I went to the information desk for the carrier and they said I had absolutely no chance of catching the flight but I was welcome to make my way to the gate anyway, just in case! I was given assistance to jump the security queue but with a large case I had to open up and bin everything from my shower gel to my expensive aftershave due to the liquid limitations. I also had to remove my belt, laptops and shoes. The next part of my journey which entailed a lengthy run to the gate which seemed a mile away was carried out with my belt in my pocket, my laptops under my arms and my shoes on the tip of my fingers. I was quite the picture. By the time I had reached the gate, my trousers were around my ankles and my t-shirt was stuck to me with sweat. I asked if I was still able to board the flight to be told....

"No problem at all sir, it has been delayed by an hour".....


The Unexpected Upgrade

I am not sure why I keep naming my ramblings with random LOTR-fit subtitles, i'm just telling it how it is bro.....now that I have lay bare with my street lingo, let's get on with this jizzle. Wait what? I can't say that.....well....maybe not in that context eh?

I recently had the requirement to purchase a room in Glasgow to allow for a night of copious amounts of alcohol. Since I live so far away to actually be able to get home any cheaper after 11.30 in the evening! My own fault really, I should have moved more centrally but had my heart set on a mansion (not really a mansion) so I moved to some random town in the middle of no mans land. Anyway enough about my terrible choice in accomodation, we were talking about alcohol were we not! So, yes, I tend to like to leave it to the last minute due to a mix of procastination and my unguided belief that it would be cheaper! I tend to like the kind of apartment hotels and the center of Glasgow has an abundance of those. I opened up my booking app and found myself a nice wee place for £69 for the night which was brilliant. A wee one bedroom apartment just off merchant city. I was delighted! It was close enough to the bar where there was going to be a drag show that evening, which was perfect, as that is where I was heading with a friend. My first drag act in Glasgow I might add! 

Anyway, the evening came. Apart from me arriving at the car park and forgetting my wallet, having to drive back home to retrieve it, the journey went well....*cough*. So I head over to check in and hour later than I had said but they were quite alright about it when I arrived meeting me with a cheery "Hello Sir!". We exchanged pleasantries and I gave my name and he checked away and said "Ahh there you are, looks like you have had a free upgrade sir" he said. Now these words are new to me, I have never heard these before so I was rather excited, when he said the next sentence, I almost pissed myself. "Yes sir, it's a Penthouse". Wow, this was quite exciting. Bearing in mind this apart-hotel was not the grandest but still, I was excited. I was given instructions on how to get there which involved two lifts and a cross hall walk. I arrived on the floor to be presented with my door, just my door. It felt like I was about to enter the Presidential suite. Again, a little wee escaped me as I put the key into the door.

When I entered I immediately got the feeling that I was in the crystal maze as there were an abundance of doors before me. I abandoned my case and begun to explore. I must have went around the place 3 times before I fully took it all in. There were 3 bedrooms, all with en-suite. There was a primary bathroom. There was a large living area with windows outlooking the city. There was a door onto a balcony where I could further lay my eyes over the city and as the sun was coming down, it was rather beautiful. The place was a palace and I was delighted, I began to ready myself for the night ahead.

The night was more alcohol fueled than I had expected with not getting back to the apartment until around 4am. We were immediately out on the balcony for views. Some how, we managed to find ourselves on the roof to the building overlooking the streets. It was quite the feeling, as if I had become a princes *cough*....I mean....it was alright ya know. Cue a walk to find alcohol and pringles, some random singing in the abnormally huge living area and further excursions onto the roof to almost break the thing and the evening/morning came to a close. 

It is not often that you get the opportunity to stay in a place like this but, fuck, it was awesome!


The Secret Ninja

I am going to tell you a story that will have you quaking in your boots. It will have you checking behind you constantly in the hours of darkness. Sometimes, you may even decide not to go out after hearing this story. You can take this as my disclaimer but not as my guarantee *chuckles*

It was a late autumn night. The clocks had just got back so the nights were dark and gloomy. I was going through a phase of walking at night time to try and loose some of the puppy fat I had put on over the lazy summer. I was visiting a small town at the far north of Scotland, the kind of town where everyone knows who you are. They would turn and stare when you walk into the bar until you ordered your first drink then they would return to their own but you could still easily catch them staring every now and then. There is a river that runs through the centre of the town and there is a brilliant walk down, around a wooded area and up through the graveyard. This was my favourite walk as it would take you up several flights of stairs in the process which is great for burning fat. The evening in question though was that little bit more gloomy, a light mist hovering over the river. It was like a scene from a great horror movie. Well, maybe a B-Movie. It looked a little fake if I'm honest. Anyway, I have to stop getting sidetracked by the details and just get on with my story!

I started my journey down towards the river. The town was quiet and there was no one around. As I reach the start of the path that entered the wooded area alongside the river I could feel a chill on my back. I turned around but nothing was behind me so I ventured onwards into the darkness. The light from the moon was glistening upon the river and casting a soft light upon the path ahead. I am not the kind of guy to scare easily but shit was I scared! I continued on.

I was beginning to approach the bridge that would cross the river and bring me towards the graveyard, their was a cool breeze beginning to flow and I could hear the trees creeking as the wind brushed them aside. The graveyard was not before me. It was walled with a cast iron gate which led inside and up several flights of stairs. As I pushed the gate, it squeeled in objection. I was now inside and had to take a moment before I started up the first 4-5 steps into the graveyard proper. As I reached the top of the stairs I heard a rustle in the leaves behind me. I turned and could see nothing in the darkness. I could see the leaves at the bottom of the stairs but nothing else. I began to turn back around and then i caught a glint at the corner of my eye. Returning my gaze to the pile of leaves where it eminated from I seen it. A little pair of eyes, staring at me. I cautiously took a step forward and the eyes disappeared with the immediate sound of rustling. They appeared on the other side of the gate staring through. The monster must have ninja rolled out the gate. I knew I was in trouble but curousity got them better of me as I stepped forward. I could make out the form of the monster, it was a hedgehog. I chuckled to myself and turned to walk away. From behind me I heard the sound of something swooshing through the air followed by a sharp pain in my neck. The little shit had fired one of his jabbies (for those, not of a scottish heritage, spines) at me! I turned and could see it was at the bottom of the stairs again. I removed the jabby and turned back to head up the stairs. As soon as I began forward he was there in front of me with his little daggers. He squeeked something that sound similar to "prepare to die human" and I darted as fast as my legs would take me up those stairs and never stopped until I was clear of the graveyard.....

Needless to say, I have never been back. Now that I know that all hedghogs are ninja's who want to steal your soul I will spread the word and hopefully we can get enough of an army together to be ready for the uprising....


The Curious Case of the Dave in the Night Time

I am perplexed....in fact....bemused....no wait.....confuzzled! I have a habit of procrastinating maybe a little too much sometimes which comes from my laid back nature. I often find myself having arguments with myself when I have to rouse myself for work. "You have 5 more minutes before you NEED to be in the shower" one half of me would say whilst the other would be "You lazy bastard, you're going to be late.....again!". Needless to say, I stayed in bed that wee extra 5 minutes *chuckles*.

Anyway I seem to be digressing as I always do, I merely meant to outline the fact I am quite a restful person. I like my sleep and find absolutely no problem finding it when it comes time. I would be able to switch off the frantic ramblings of my brain and snuggle down for a dream about a kit kat next to my bed (don't ask, it's a painful memory). I was pretty much a creature of habit.

Something, alas, has changed. I am finding myself struggling to get to sleep at night and having to turn to things like The Apprentice to lull me off. Even when I do lull back off I am up again, almost immediately. My mind slowly shuts off and then BANG "Hello!" it cries! I have been trying to establish what could possibly be causing the insomnia but everything I analyse just simply turns out to be a red herring. I thought it may be the fact I am in the middle of changing my diet combined with increasing my walks in the effort to lose weight. However, I returned to my normal eating habits as a test and NOTHING, I was still struggling to sleep. I tried to go through everything that was happening in my daily life to see if anything had changed. Yes, my job had changed but it was a lot more relaxed compared to my last job. Yes, I had met new people but they were having positive effects on my life. There was physically nothing that could have been causing in within my personal life. The next step was to get brand new bedding and sheets just in case there was something that was causing me to snap awake (yes I know, grasping at straws here) but, although extremely comfortable, I was still struggling to sleep.

It gets to the point where you start to think, what the hell is going on! Then I stumbled upon it. As soon as I thought about it my stomach turned. It happened just before I started to suffer from insomnia "the incident" was fresh in my mind again and I was shuddering my gaze dancing around the room. I remembered the night, I had come home from a rather long day at work and was heading out to badminton that evening. I had found my sports tops but had not found my shorts, as I hunted the house I wracked my brain as to where they could be. I remembered that morning that I pulled them out the drawer and left them beside my bed on the floor to "remember them". I started my journey upstairs with no clue as to the horror that was about to unfold.....

I stepped over the threshold into the room but could not see my shorts where I had thought I had left them. I had a glance around, it was dark as the black out blinds were still down. Of course, in hindsight I should have opened them to avoid the level of horror. I walk towards them and as I got closer, I could see something on top of them, it kind of looked brown in the darkness. I thought nothing of it and ventured closer and put my hand upon my shorts. It moved. It was the biggest spider I have ever seen. In fact I am pretty sure it was the biggest spider in the world. Exaggerating? Me? God No. I carried out a sublime ninja roll to the side keeping my eye on the target in the darkness. I somersaulted backwards and landed on my office chair, still on my feet. I grabbed the emergency nuke from it's container in the corner of my room, aimed my nuke launcher at the spider and said "Asta La Vista, Baby" as I launched the nuke. After many years, I was able to return to check for a carcass......nothing......the spider lived.....and the spider is still in my house.........

I have come to the conclusion that my insomnia must be down to this.....tonight.....operation: find the damn thing....begins!


Shall we get Deep? Stop giggling!

My first ramble in ages! What should I talk about....oh, I know...sexuality and relationships! That's a nice cosy ramble to have. I think there comes a time where you have to take the big issues by the horns and be all serious about things.....*chuckles*...I said "horns".....

When it comes to sexuality I am actually quite the closed book. Which in this day and age should not be the case with everyone being able to talk more freely about the way they choose to love. I am probably the most open minded person you will meet when it comes to sexuality, I have friends from all walks of sexual life (yes I just created that and no you can't steal it *slaps your wrists*). I completely admire the confidence in todays society where mostly everyone can step forward and be who they truly are with a lot less judgemental people. Don't get me wrong, even today there are still those who are questioning where they are and too afraid to reach out and get the help they need. I suppose we will always have that, people who are either jealous or misunderstand or just simply do not want to open their minds. We can blame religion for a lot of that I suppose. As someone recently told me "All religions are as bad as one another".

Anyway I am drifting waaaaay off course here. I would class myself as Pansexual but this has only been a recent development for me. It kind of started around 2-3 years ago where I'd find myself attracted to people I wouldn't normally have been attracted to for very specific reasons. Whether it be woman, trans, man etc, I suppose the signs were always there but It took a little bit of soul searching to actually find my place in the world. My journey was nothing compared to a lot of people and mine is not quite complete as of yet. This is probably the first time I am expressing these things in any way which feels kind of awesome. 

Shall we move onto the next part, relationships? Brilliant, I'm glad you said Yes.

I am poly, which may not mean a lot to many people but let's just say I practice ethical non-monogomy. This basically means I enter into sexual relationship with more than one partner and can have more than one partner at a time. This can sometimes be judged by some to be wrong and don't get me wrong some people take adavantage of it. I see it as being normal, being able to love more than one person who shares a very different part of my being, it's almost euphoric. I love people who are different, unusual and unique for I am the same myself. There are a number of poly people around the country and this will only increase over time. It kind of feels how relationships are meant to be but can also be very hard. Even those who have been poly for a lot longer than I have will atest to that. You need to find the balance, share with your partners in complete honesty. Communication is key. I am lucky in that I have had a lot of people be there to support me with my choices but I am still learning and still growing.

Wow, was that as powerful as it felt? No? What do you mean nobody cares? As long as I care and feel something from it, then that is all that matters :)

Now go and read some of my emo poetry!


Where's Wally!

Woah, that was definitely a long time away from updating the site. I blame life just being too busy with transitions into a new job and various other factors just piling on top. Picture a scene where I am in a wrestling ring, with around 20 200lb wrestlers pinning me to the floor. you know Io just said that was shits and giggles and now because you won't be able to get that image out your head.

Anyway, enough of this waffling nonsense. I have done far too much of that me thinks! Just wanted to check in and say that I am still alive and kicking and have not been killed by some scary internet dating bunny boiler......yet! I will have more updates for you soon, including an amusing story about me, a duvet and its desire to destroy me! 

Online Dating - A Brief User Guide

I am pretty long in the tooth now when it comes to internet dating but it is still a pretty damn crazy place to be! The first hurdle being getting used to how it works. With each site or app the format changes. Sometimes quite a lot but sometimes only a little bit which confuses you as to how the damn things work. Don't worry though, I'm going to give you a run through of my experiences of the sites out there! Well, the ones I haves used, which are few. I am not , however, going to talk about my experiences of dates! They would horrify anyone reading them with there tales of woe and sometimes desperation! Although, I am very open to talking about these things in person so catch me some time and I will tell you my sorry tales.

I am primarily going to talk about the free methods you have out there in the wide world of the internet and apps. This way they are accessible to everyone. I will also talk about one or two paid ones that I have tried and explain the differences, if any! 

Plenty of Fish (POF)

Now, Plenty of Fish is probably the most well known one out there amongst singletons. It is completely free and offers both a website and mobile application. The web site itself is easy to use and the sign up process is pretty painless. There is a personality test at the end which is optional and no-one tends to do it anyway as it is nowhere near in-depth enough to find a match. As soon as you create your profile and add your pictures you are ready to rock! You are also able to define mail settings which will stop people who are too young or too old from contacting you, this seems to be quite a commom filter for people to use. You can also describe what you are looking for which gives people as idea of if you will be a match or not. When it comes to using the site or app to find people it is rather easy with lots of parameters to search by including distance, age, body type etc. You can also search by personality. When everyone joins they have to choose a one word personality which can be anything from "Geek" to "Rockstar" and so on so forth. Usually this is a great search parameter to help you find likeminded people that you will share enough with to get on. There is also a "Meet Me" function. Which is primarily a min-game where you are presented with someones pictures and a brief summary of them and asked if you would like to meet them. You either choose Yes, No or Maybe (which is pretty much a yes!) and if you match then you get notified. You seem to get notified if someone as said they want to meet you but you cannot see these people unless you upgrade to a subscriptions model. Eveything else is free so its a great introduction into the world of internet dating. 


Tinder is a mobile app dating site and has been around for some time. It primarily takes the "Meet Me" part of POF to a whole new level. You are presented with a picture of the person, given a 300 word snippet of blurb about the person (if they choose to write it) and you can either swipe right to "Like" and left to "Pass". If you both choose "Like" then you match and can start chatting with the other person. There is also the option to "Super Like" which can be achieved by swiping up on a person. This will let them know that you have liked them and they can choose to chat or not. You only get one per day but it kind of takes the fun out of the whole process! Tinder has always had a rather bad name for being primarily for people just looking to hook up for a one nite stand etc but that stigma has almost completely disappeared over the last year or so. The bad point are generally related to people not chatting when you match. This is usually down to them using third party apps that automatically like people in the vacinity. They match and do not want to speak but instead of unmatching (possibly vanity related) they choose to remain matched. As with all sites, you get fake profiles etc so just watch out for some! All in All it is a great app and is actually quite fun to swipe in the little bit of downtime you have now and then!

OK Cupid

This is my favourite one. It follows the same process of POF and Tinder as it tends to incorate both into one with some substantial additions. You still get the same process of creating your profile. The same process of "Liking" people. The same process of searching etc. It does look and feel a lot better which is great and some of the items similar to POF are for subscription only but the main functions of the site are ready for you to use. You get suggested matches and can use the quick match as a Tinder type process of Liking people. The biggest addition to the site which makes it stand out is the questions. These are a vast amount of questions from various categories including Sex, Lifestyle and Religion. Each questions allows you to give your answer, an explanation for your answer and also your preffered partner answer which is excellent as all these factors in each question you answer goes towards giving you a match percentage to other members of the site. Using the same results you can see how mutch of an "Enemy" you are to the person also which takes the directly conflicted answers into account. The generally consensus is, the more questions you answer the better your match will be. I have answered around 300 questions so far and the matches I have been finding have been exactly the kind of people I enjoy. Although, mostly too attractive for a fugly chap like me! 


The last one I am going to talk about is Match. This is the paid site and you cannot message or see who has viewed you unless you subscribe to the site for a usually large amount of money! The site is no different to the likes of OK Cupid and the matching system is a lot less accurate. I have used this under both a free and paid umbrella and hated the experience I have had on it. You get people viewing you all the time and even throughout the early hours which leads me to believe it is automatically generating views to see if they can push people together. Of course I do not know this for a fact but it certainly leads to that impression. When it comes to the use of the site itself it is a little overcomplicated and a little annoying to say the least. I am sure there are better ones out there for the paid experience but the experience of match for me has lead me to steer away from the paid sites altogether. 

So, my recommendation is to use OK Cupid, if you hadn't already guessed! It is the best free experience you will have and the more questions you ask the better your overall experience will be! 

Most importantly, HAVE FUN!


*points* To the Cinema!

Before I get into the full informative section of this post. Yes, my posts can be informative! I would like to relay my complete and utter shock at the sheer difference in VIP experience from Showcase Cinemas to VUE cinemas! When you buy a VIP ticket you are told that you will be watching the movie from the most luxurious of seating with wider seats, comfy seats and plenty of leg room. Well only one cinema can attest to being "What it says on the tin" and that is Showcase. With their reclining seats, extra padding and wider seats and the sheer amount of leg room. I was impressed. VUE on the other hand should feel embarrassed. The seats they offer are both hard and do not move. You feel cramp both either side AND with leg room. Paying extra for these seats is pretty much robbery. My advice, if watching from a VUE cinema, DON'T go VIP! OK, now that is over, let me get to my purpose here!

I went to see Warcraft! Yay, I actually went to see a movie. I was not as excited as I normally am to be honest though. A lot of the reviews I was reading were quite damming of the entire experience. They would say that the film was ONLY for those who knew the Warcraft lore and played the games. For others it was both hard to follow and a little weird. For this reason I wanted to turn my head off from the games. I was never a large lore follower anyway. If anyone asked me to tell them about Warcraft 3 or World of Warcraft, I must admit, I'd have some issues! So I was going in fresh headed and ready for the experience. As I say though, I was worried I was not going to like it!

As soon as the scene was set and the movie hit the ground I was impressed first and foremost by the visuals. I was always a fan of the Blizzard CG movies they would create that went hand in hand with the games but this was something entirely different so I worried that a different team working on the CG for the movie might disappoint me. I was wrong to be worried. The world lived and breathed in every scene and the transition between CG and camera were nothing but stunning. Even down to the costumes and armour, it felt special. So, as you can tell, I loved the look of the movie but what about the story itself? I hear you cry. Well give me a chance, I'm getting to that part! 

I am very much a story focused person. If a game has a great story then I am 100% behind it and ready for it to tell me it. Its the same with movies as I mention in my MMORPG rant over the gaming section. I like something that takes me off to somewhere special. Somewhere different and not here! I want to feel like I am running alongside the characters and experiencing everything they are. They say when you get older your imagination stops you from being able to experience it in that way but I completely disagree. Maybe it is my gaming background or my sheer imagination but I can always feel like that. Anyway, I'm going waaaaaay off here, let me get back to the story of Warcraft.

The movie tells the story of the world of Azeroth. A peace presiding over the worlds is shattered when a race of Orcs decend upon it. Brought here through a Dark Portal created by an evil Orc named Gul'dan. Using the powers of the Fel which turns everything living into destruction and death. One Orc, Durotan, can see the destruction in the wake of the Fel which makes him question his very purpose. Whilst this is taking place their is a counter balancing story of The Guardian, Medivh, who has been called upon by the race of humans to help them quell the orc invasion. Alongside the king Llane Wrynn and his trusted commander Anduin Lothar they must find a solution to the oncoming danger.

In a but shell, this is the foundation that the story is laid upon. It takes a bit to get into the story as it is given from each side at a faster pace than would normally be adopted but once you understand the flow from each side it makes it utterly enjoyable as it plays out. This comes off the back of a brilliant Anduin casting. I thought his character was brilliant and acting tremendously. The loveable rogue type, although, the love interest and how quick this develops highlights again the rush they seem to be in to tell parts of the story. This did not ruin it for me as I thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish. I thought the way they brought about the conclusion of the movie was brilliant and I hope they get the chance to make another as I would most certainly be disappointed if the story were not continued.

Everyone is bound to have a different opinion of the movie. If their are parts you agree with or don't agree with then send me a message as would love to hear what you all thought! So, yeah, I went a cinema and saw a thing! Let's hope there is more of that shit!    


The Bastard Squirrel

This story comes from my time living and working down in London. Well, I say "living" when it was actually more like a holiday as it was living in a hotel and eating out all the time. What can I say, I had a privileged early career! *chuckles*

What I tended to do after work was to head over to St James park on the way back to the hotel to take in the awesome sunshine and atmosphere. Well, it was rather close to a road so it was more like exhaust fumes and sticky body odour *boke* Anyway, I'd tend to head there to wind down after a hard day of learning and absorbing information. I remember most of it still today but I think the parts I don't remember are the ones I learnt this one day! Right, enough of this setting the scene shit, let me get on with my story.

Now, this particular day I was taking in the rays from a nice wee bench. I was comfortably chilled and all the memories of the day were storing themselves away in my long term memory. I think I received a few funny looks as people passed as they would hear the slow grinding and clunking sound of my brain in action. It was around 20 minutes later when I hear a tapping noise behind me. I turned to look but could see absolutely nothing behind me. I spun back around and continued my clunking. A few moments later I heard a loud thud from behind me and I spun round immediately. Again, there was absolutely nothing behind me. I was a little bemused as to what was going on. As I turned to face forward I felt something appearing in my peripheral vision. I turned to investigate and was met with the biggest, fattest squirrel I had ever seen. It was staring me out, it's nose twitching. It also seemed like it had it's arms outstretched as if waiting for some sort of "offering". We continued in our locked gaze for a while longer. It was starting to get a little uncomfortable. I remembered the chaps at work saying that the squirrels in this park had no fear at all since they had been hand fed for quite some time. I plunged my hand into my pocket and immediately felt the biscuits I had taken from the Hotel tea tray that very morning! I was reluctant to part with them as they were rather delicious. Oat and ginger if I remember correct. Plus, this little bastard looked like he had quite some time before he "wasted away"! I started to realise something. How did the humongous hairy bastard get himself up on the bench? had he parachuted from the nearest tree? Maybe rounded up the local pigeons to build a makeshift staircase for him? either way, I was baffled.

A few moments later, I returned to my pocket. Bringing out the biscuits, I could see the squirrels fat eyes widen and his drool begin to drip from his mouth. I opened the packet and gave the squirrel one of the biscuits. It snatched it from my hand as if to say "About fucking time fatty" but it did not eat it. It simply remained there, staring, holding the biscuit with one hand and his other still outstretched. I started to wonder what the hell he was waiting for until the little bastard started looking from my face to my remaining biscuit and back again until I got the hint. I did NOT want to give this little shit my last biscuit so I returned to staring forward but I could still see him out the corner of my eye, watching. I swear I even heard him tapping his foot on the metal of the bench. After some time, I gave in and handed over my remaining biscuit. I swear to you, what he did next is completely true....

....with ninja skills the bastard back flipped from the bench and landed on his feet on the grass below, my biscuits still in each hand. He kind of smiled at me and then kind of ran/waddled over to the tree and with one or two jumps he was gone.

What a bastard!


Am I "Crash Man"?

Those who know me in real life will know that I am a little bit clumsy. To the extent where I can manage to completely destroy a plate of food whilst transferring it from the kitchen surface to the table, a mere two steps away! Alas, it is the way I was brought up.....*cough*....honest! Anyhoo, this has nothing to do with my story.....or does it! 

I have been driving for some time now. In that time I have been involved in a number of accidents. I would automatically blame my clumsiness if it were not for the fact that these have not been my fault. Well, saying that, there was this one time I was driving northwards. The snow began falling and I was coming up to a notoriously steep hill. I did, as you would expect, and slowed down to ensure I went down the hill at a leisurely pace. Alas, I failed to stop. I continued to slide down the hill. I was around a quarter of a mile from the bottom of the hill but between me and the end of my slide, there was a lorry. A rather large and quite solid lorry. I have a good minute to decide "how" I was going to crash into the back of it as I certainly was not stopping or indeed able to change my course. As my bonnet disappeared underneath the rear end of the truck, I did the only thing that seems to be possible in these situations, I made that cross of arms sign over my face and scrunched up my eyes. In a manly way of course...*coughs*. Anyway, that one was "my fault" even though it was entirely the snows fault and the fact the gritters had not gritted that stretch of road. 


Anyway, as I was saying. People like to crash into me and it is becoming rather annoying. There was a guy with a midget gem haircut who crashed into the back of me AFTER a roundabout! There was the polish chap that went into the back of me WAITING at the roundabout. Then there was the time a women and her PREGNANT daughter pulled out from a central reservation in front of me. I must admit, that was the scariest one. Luckily everyone was ok even though the women required cutting out of her car! *gulp* I escaped with a cracked wrist from the air bag. The insurance is still going on from that. For all my unlucky happenings I am now paying a fortune with an insurance company that ONLY insures the "risky" people! *sigh* I thought I would get some support from my insurers, but in no uncertain terms they told me to fuck off. 

So, I ask myself the question! Is this luck? or is it simply down to my clumsy nature that I find myself in these situations. I don't think I'll ever find the answer. Maybe in my next crash I will find them? 


First Ramble - Bill from Microsoft

Well, I suppose I better put my first post up then...erm...*rocks on heels*....would have helped if I had a subject to ramble about though wouldn't it? *sigh* Ok, let's wing this shit!

One thing I absolutely hate and this is nuisance calls. They come in various formats. PPI, Insurance claims all the stuff that people usually would claim about. They call just fishing for any leads. There are some that are more malicious though and are harder to get around if you do not have the technical knowledge to understand what they are saying. Trust me, these bastards annoy me. They call you up pretending to be from Microsoft and they are here to help you take care of a virus on your computer. I used to get them all the time and could usually work to the same script every time! It was hilarious. They stop calling now though....here is my normal transcript;

ME: Hello

CALLER: Hello Sir, it is Bill calling from Microsoft, how are you today?

ME: Oh Hello Bill, suprised to get a call from you Mr Gates, is this about my illegal version of Windows 10?

CALLER: *laughs* No sir, I am calling about the fact you have a virus on your computer, don't worry though, I am here to help!

ME: Wow! A Virus? is it a pandemic? Do I need to give it some pills?

CALLER: *laughs* no sir, we can sort it out for you just now, more importantly, we can do it for free.

ME: That is such an excellent service, especially straight from Microsoft!

CALLER: Thank you sir, we aim to please. Now I can see your computer and the virus but we need to do something before I can come on and fix this for you. Could you go to the following website for me and download the tool (he gives me a link to a remote access tool)

ME: Why of course Mr Gates, let me go there for you now. I will ask though if you can see my computer why do you need remote access?

CALLER: All I have sir is access via your IP address which is not sufficient

ME: Ok, what is an IP address?

CALLER: it is like a direct connection to your computer that only Microsoft can use.

ME: Ahhh, that makes perfect sense. Could I ask for my IP?

CALLER: I do apologise sir but this is something I cannot give out to you for security reasons.

ME: Oh that's a shame. So what do we need to do when I have downloaded this tool exactly?

CALLER: Don't you worry about that sir. Once we download the tool and I confirm access I will do everything in the background and you will not need to speak with me again, unless we have a problem.

ME: Oh Bill, this is a marvelous service. I am so excited. I do have one more question though?

CALLER: Yes Sir?

ME: Do you mind if I give the collected phone records to the police so they can find you, arrest you and then send you to a dark sell to be cuddled daily by your "special" cell mate Franny?


So, the best thing to do is to either hang up and walk away or try and get as much information out of them as possible. Whatever you do, don't download the tool! Use my trancript instead! It works!